


Tatlent Show

by MoonlitMusings



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Gen, and by kind of i mean definitley, kind of a crack-fic, w359 secret santa, wolf 359 secret santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 00:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9047807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlitMusings/pseuds/MoonlitMusings
Summary: Kepler learns of Minkowski's attempts to host talent shows to boost crew moral from an old file, and decides that they should do another one.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My w359 secret santa gift for caffeinatedwriters, who wanted something involving talent shows, and/or the urania crew. I hope you like it, and Merry Christmas!

As far as Eiffel and Hilbert were concerned, there was one good thing about the Urania crew taking over: no. more. talent shows. They were sure of it. There was no way this ruthless crew of Goddard elites would take part in something so ridiculous. But then Christmas got closer, and Kepler called a meeting.

“Minkowski,” he said, “I was looking over some of your records and read something about a talent show. What was that all about?”

“It um, it was nothing, sir. Just an attempt to boost crew moral.”

“Nothing? Now, I wouldn’t say that, Lieutenant. I think it’s a grand idea!” The room went dead silent for a moment until Minkowski spoke up again.

“You, you do?”

“Yeah! Getting together for an hour or two, having a little fun; boosting crew moral is very important to me, after all. I say we keep this tradition alive!”

“…If you say so, sir,” Jacobi ventured, sounding like Kepler had just proposed attempting zero-g twister.

“Aw, c’mon Jacobi! It’ll be fun!”

\------------------------------

Everyone was given a week to prepare an act of some kind, either solo or with someone else. No one, not even Kepler with threats of serious injury and death, could convince Hilbert to do something, so he ended up on the Judging Committee with Hera.

First up was Eiffel, as was determined by the straws they all drew at the beginning. He floated up with a food pouch, a flashlight, and two cups, and turned to face the small, confused audience.

“I’m juggling!” he exclaimed in explanation.

“Eiffel,” Minkowski began in that why-is-my-life-like-this tone, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but we’re on a spaceship. In space. In a room without artificial gravity.”

“And your point is?”

“Everything floats!”

“And?” Eiffel began to lazily toss the items back and forth between his hands, always making sure they never got out of reach. “I mean, they’re not falling. They are being thrown from one of my hands to the other and back without falling to the floor. That’s juggling.” By this point, Hera was trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

“He technically isn’t wrong,” Lovelace said, sounding a mix of amused and mildly impressed.

“Technically this is absurd,” Hilbert interjected. “Next!”

“Dude, you can’t “next” me!”

“I just did,” Hilbert retorted. “Next!” Eiffel gathered his items and floated back from the back of the room in a huff.

Jacobi and Maxwell were next. As Maxwell explained they were singing a duet, Jacobi pulled out a pitch pipe.

“Why do you have a pitch pipe?” Lovelace asked, incredulous.

“Why don’t you have a pitch pipe?” Jacobi retorted. He found the note he wanted and played it, and with that, Maxwell started singing.

“Anything you can do, I can do better!”

“Hey, no way!” Minkowski interrupted.

“What?” replied Maxwell, angrily.

“You stole our bit! That’s what Lovelace and I were singing!”

“What? Hell no!” Jacobi shouted. “We’ve been planning this since Kepler suggested this show! If anything, you stole it from us!”

“Hilbert! Hera! Who gets to do it?!” Minkowski demanded.

“What?”

“Well obviously we can’t both do the same thing! Who gets to sing Anything You Can Do?”

“I don’t see why-“

“Hilbert!” all four of them interrupted. Hilbert sighed heavily.

“Maxwell and Jacobi are going first so they get to sing it.”

“Oh come on-“ Lovelace started.

“You wanted me to decide and I decided! Now let’s get this over with.”

“Hera?” Minkowski asked sounding slightly desperate.

“They are going first…”

“Fine,” Lovelace replied sharply, sulking a little. Maxwell cleared her throat pointedly.

“Now, where were we? Jacobi, would you mind?”

“Of course,” he said, pulling out his pitch pipe and blowing the note again.

“Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!”

“No you can’t!”

“Yes I can!”

“No you can’t!”

“Yes I can!”

As they sang, Lovelace and Minkowski conferred quietly.

“I have something I can do as backup,” Minkowski whispered. “What about you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe… oh! I know! I do too. I’ll have to run and get something during your performance though.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“I can shoot a partridge, with a single cartridge!” Jacobi sang, surprisingly well.

“I can get a sparrow, with a bow and arrow!” Maxwell responded in an equally good alto.

“I can live on bread and cheese!”

“And only on that?”

“Yes!”

“So can a rat!”

They continued on, earning some actual genuine chuckles from Kepler, Eiffel, and Hera. In the end, Hera gave them a 7.5 and Hilbert gave them a 5.

Kepler was up next. He went to the front of the room and turned.

“So, what are you doing?” Hera asked.

“You’ll see,” he replied with a grin. The answer, it turned out, was stand-up. Not terribly good stand-up at that. However, since the audience was captive and too afraid not too laugh, he ended up feeling really good by the end of his 5-minute set. Hera gave him a 7, Hilbert a 5.

“Okay,” Kepler said. “Minkowski, Lovelace, which one of you wants to go first?”

“I will,” Minkowski replied. “Lovelace said she needs to grab something for her performance.”

“Alrighty then.” Minkowski made her way to the front of the room, turned, and took a deep breath as Lovelace rushed out of the room.

“Oooooooh… I am the very model of a modern Major-General,  
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,  
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,  
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical…”

“Oh god, not again,” Eiffel muttered under his breath.

“At least she’s not drunk this time,” Hilbert responded. Kepler and Maxwell, meanwhile, looked genuinely impressed. Jacobi called her a show-off under his breath.

“I mean, that is kind of the point,” Maxwell countered, bobbing her head slightly to the beat. Lovelace returned right as Minkowski was finishing up.

“For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,  
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;  
But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,  
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.”

Lovelace and Maxwell applauded enthusiastically while everyone else clapped politely. She was given an 8 by Hera and a begrudging 7 by Hilbert. Lovelace gave her a high-five as they traded places. As Lovelace got to the front, Jacobi noticed something.

“Wait a minute,” he exclaimed. “Why do you have a hula-hoop?”

“Why don’t you have a hula-hoop?” she retorted.

“Ooooh, she got you there!” Eiffel laughed. Jacobi scowled.

“I’m doing a routine with it,” Lovelace added.

“A routine?”

“Yup! Hera, can you play music?”

“Depends on what you’re looking for.”

“Just something fun and up-tempo. Something dancy, you know?”

“I can do that.” With that, music started coming through the speakers.

“Perfect,” Lovelace said with a grin. Then she oriented herself as upright as she could and began rapidly spinning the hula-hoop. She did a remarkably good job of improvising a routine, especially considering the lack of gravity caused the hoop to spin her as she spun it. But she got into a rhythm, and quickly realized that where she would normally throw it up and catch it, she could bounce it off the walls so that it came back to her to create a similar effect. She ended with the song and bowed, leaving everyone suitably impressed. Hera gave her a 9 and Hilbert gave a 7.5, making her the winner.

“So, what do I get for winning?” she inquired.

“Our respect and admiration,” Kepler replied.

“And a piece of the chocolate I have on the Urania,” Maxwell added.

“You have chocolate?!” Lovelace gasped.

“Yup. And now you have chocolate.”

“Best. Prize. Ever.”

“Hey, wait a sec,” Eiffel interjected. “I just realized I never got my score!” Hera and Hilbert replied at the same time.

“Two.”

“Zero.”

“Aw, come on, Hilbert. A zero? Really?”

“You tried to juggle floating objects.”

“I successfully juggled floating objects.”

“Zero.”

“Man, you’re no fun at all.”

“Better luck next time, Eiffel,” Minkowski said, patting him on the back.

“Next time?” Hilbert repeated to himself, “I certainly hope not.”


End file.
